Final Four Pairings Set; Robn Golf Debuts Next Week

• 1. Final Four Matchups and Picks
• 2. Final Basketball Obituaries
• 3. Robn Golf Dips A Toe With The Masters

1. This Party's Getting Smaller and Smaller

The road to the Robn $2,500 College Basketball Championship has wended itself down to the following matchups.

In the first matchup, No. 22 Caden "Flaming C" Wickwire faces off against the resolute 10-seed, Josh "Clutching His" Pearl.

Both Caden and Josh are on Fletcher Loyer under 10 points and Alex Karaban to score more than 14. Their differentiators: Josh is on both games' alt unders: 141.5 points for Purdue-NC State and 155.5 points for UCONN-Bama. Caden meanwhile is on Alabama to cover +11.

In the second semi-final, the 5-seed and heavy favorite Kevin "Leave A Message At The" Tone will take on 49th-seeded miracle upstart Jeff "Shittens" Lunsman.

At the time of this writing, Jeff had not yet submitted, so we cannot preview his and Kevin's matchup.

• Kevin's path: Kevin got here by overwhelming Eric "How Can This Man Possibly Be" Single in the S16, hitting too many correct picks to overcome Single's successful NC State gambit. Then in the E8 he came from behind vs. Greg Talbott on an NC State +7 pick that sent him to the F4.
• Jeff's path: He overcame "The Dirty Duck" in the S16 after said Duck went more or less all-in on a Jamal Shead-less Houston vs. Duke. Then he upended Jon Dziok in the E8 with a major play on Purdue ML that surpassed Dziok's winnings.
• Caden's path: Caden defeated "Oh My Goss!" after the first day of the S16, thanks to an Illinois upset win, and Goss picking North Carolina and Iowa State to win. He took out A.G. Burnett in the E8 thanks to fading Grant Nelson and backing Alabama ML.
• Josh's path: In spite of being overloaded on Houston vs. Duke, Pearl still took out "The Lightning" in the S16 with Alabama and the Duke/Hou under. He overwhelmed the smaller-balanced Bob Moncrief in the E8 by smashing the commish's poorly-priced player props.

The bracket is viewable here.

The four remaining participants' responses for today's games are viewable here.

The submission rules for the final two rounds are as follows:

• Players in the F4 and NC must allocate their AFFP over at least three picks. They may make more than three total picks if they like (but why would you?)
• At least two picks have to be on "other" markets (in this case: alt spreads, player totals, or alt team totals)
• The minimum pick amount for any pick made is 150 points

2. Sayonara, Friends

Only five of nickname-less contestants lost in the Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight rounds. And no nickname-less contestants remain. So, this is it.

• No. 40 D.J. "The Samurai Of Sioux Falls" Leary - D.J. is the representative for a market research company for an industry that, technically, through your involvement in this website and its tournaments, you all are participants in. He is an agreeable man with elite facial hair. He can hang with the guys and could also ingratiate himself to your 93-year-old Nana. But beneath the veneer, D.J. is an assassin. D.J. will fuck you up. He is, like most truly dangerous people, based in a far-flung area where not another soul in his industry lives or works, and so his day-to-day transgressions are not witnessed by those who he impresses professionally. Conversely, those poor South Dakotans over whom his jurisdiction lies do not know him as the polished professional we see across the international conference circuit, but instead as a man not to be crossed, like one of Fargo's unlikely tortured distributors of justice. The Samurai of Sioux Falls is not to be crossed.

• No. 36 Greg "Little G" Talbott - Greg is a fundamentalist teacher of fine literature who, if afforded the chance jurisdictionally, would have likely canvassed for Javier Milei. A Pinot boy with Bay Area loyalties who has recently discovered Grenache, Greg can play the guitar and make his own tapenade, though not simultaneously. He is an accomplished broadcaster and announcer who just ended a stint doing games for a minor league team that, between innings, fielded a lecherous vibrating fish to entertain fans, many of whom are children. A recovering Episcopalian, he has attracted a commendable support network on his new faith journey, which is intertwined with his personal goal to turn America into a theocratic oligarchy. I would never demean any contestant, much less someone with so storied a personal and professional pedigree, through the invention of a nickname involving the word "Little." Which is why others close to Greg's circle, and not I, have invented this nickname. I pass it along to you, the mere vessel for others' good-natured ribbing. (Little G retails for merely $65/bottle).

• No. 30 A.G. "The Regulator" Burnett - Everything from a character perspective written above about D.J. could also apply to A.G., though of the two initialed badasses only the latter has served up rough justice in an official law enforcement capacity to some of the most powerful titans of industry. But I instead want to focus on A.G.'s work in the field, i.e. this tournament. He blasted "The Fabric" in the opening round, generating a massive 2,075 points, via James Madison and Grand Canyon. Then he upset the No. 3 seed Downtown Tyler Brown, a Robn household name, solely by taking the Zags over Kansas. He pulled off another upset against No. 14 Sarah Hogan, again generating an unseemly 2,495 points to defeat her 1,800. And he won even when he lost: Despite picking and winning a North Carolina State upset in the Elite Eight, "Flaming C" edged him out by 145 points by hitting three savvy picks. All this, from a Robn newcomer.

• No. 14 Sarah "The Cruise Missile" Hogan - We are in an age where we outwardly celebrate female participants in any male-heavy pursuit simply for being female, because that makes us all feel good, while making secondary an analysis of those female participants' aptitude, body of work, or their unique qualities beyond how they were born: You know, treating women equally to men. So, I will not woo-girl the conclusion that Sarah is helping even out Robn's scales of justice by showing up to this contest merely because she is (I believe, from the first name) a woman. I will celebrate her because, like her predecessors Oh My Goss, The Evil Kayla Bloxham, Nancy "How Is That Not A" Fowle, Jacqueline “The Honorary Consul” Hopkinson, and others, she is damn talented. Much like a cruise missile, if you're playing her in any tournament, Sarah will hunt you down and then detonate. Her success is owed largely to tactical bets on underdogs, which many don't have the courage to make. Were it not for A.G. Burnett eclipsing her sizable 1,800 points with over 2,000 of his own in the Sweet Sixteen, Hogan might still well be in this thing with the third-highest remaining balance of all. Future opponents shall rightfully quake in fear of The Cruise Missile.

• No. 63 "Bob's Your Uncle" Moncrief - Bob and I had the joint distinction of working for people who were from and based in Great Britain, which, experientially speaking, is just how you might imagine it to be. The Brits used this phrase in everyday conversation (rather uselessly, it's their way of saying, "well, there you have it!") and its use while Bob was in the room would confuse the hell out of me. But as with all strong nicknames, there is a double entendre, here, for Bob is in other ways quite avuncular, as far as high-functioning alcoholics go. I'm not saying I would allow him unsupervised around my three year old, but he'll always give it to you straight. He'd be a perfect substitute father figure to guide your son through the harsh realities of the world, or your daughter through why she just needs to relax after a club volleyball loss. (Eeyore, from Winnie The Pooh, was also a strong nickname contender here, but the man has a family).

May you all live in shared immortality.

3. Robn Golf Beta: Availability Is First Come First Serve, Starts Next Week With The Masters

The hungry populace sees that college basketball is ending and asks: What's next, Commish?

Enter, Robn Golf, a brand new tournament for the portfolio and one that we'll no doubt fumble our way through.

We're making this

For those of you that played in the standalone Super Bowl Tournament, this contest will take this format, but will operate week to week.

Weekly cards will open Tuesday mornings and be due by Wednesdays at 11:59pm ET.

Participants will have no balance of points. Instead, they'll make 6-10 picks per card on various golfer outcomes, and generate a certain total of points winnings from successful picks. Winnings for participants will accumulate week over week.

If you miss a week, no problem, but you'll fail to earn any points for that week and risk falling behind in the standings.

We will likely do a 10-week test run, and cover the following tournaments. There will likely be a "cut" or two that shortens the field of participants during the back half of the tournament.

• Week 1: The Masters (Apr. 11 -14)
• Week 2: RBC Heritage (Apr. 18 - 21)
• Week 3: Zurich Classic (Apr. 25 - 28)
• Week 4: The CJ Cup Byron Nelson (May 2 - 5)
• Week 5: Wells Fargo Championship (May 9 - 12)
• Week 6: PGA Championship (May 16 - 19)
• Week 7: Charles Schwab Challenge (May 23 - 26)
• Week 8: RBC Canadian Open (May 30 - June 2)
• Week 9: The Memorial Tournament (June 6 - June 9)
• Week 10: The U.S. Open (June 13 - June 16)

The goal is to finish by the end Week 10 with the most points of any contestant. The most points wins the prize pool. Oh, yes. There will be a prize pool of the TBD variety.

Space will be limited for this and is on a first come first serve basis. Cards/entry forms will not necessarily be posted on this website. Thus...

...if you want to enter, reach out to commissioner@playrobn.com directly.